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Posts Tagged ‘life’

Yuletide Mead

November 28, 2016 2 comments

The mead brews

Slowly

Little bubbles flow up

The honey-water froths

Life begins

 

Bees’ labor

Water’s blessing

Yeast’s life

 

Kvasir’s blood

Gunnlöð’s charge

Odin’s drink

Aegir’s pride

 

 

A month and Yuletide

A gift to loved ones

 

A raised glass

A raised horn

Cheer and warmth in Winter

Mad World and Grief and Death

September 16, 2016 3 comments

I was clicking through one of my Youtube playlists, and came across one I have not listened to in a very long time.  When I am feeling at my lowest, I’ll queue up Gary Jules’ version of Mad World.  It is my go-to song for when I am feeling like things can’t get lower, and it made me start thinking about how we grieve.

I am part of the Polytheist Death Guild, and I think that part of my work with the Guild will be reflecting on death and grief as a polytheist, and how we can separate ourselves from the largely thanatophobic society we find ourselves in.  Mad World hits me in a way very, very few songs do.  It is completely absorbed in its loneliness and its pain, from the chords of the piano to the way that Jules’ forms his words.  It also made me reflect on why, when I am feeling low enough to warrant listening to this song, I wait until this song to work with it as a kind of purgative.

I first started listening to this song when Sylverleaf and I broke up in 2006.  I listened to this song on repeat for about a whole month.  Like when I get sick, when I grieve, I do it really, really hard.  It was to the point that the people I was living with more or less banned me from listening to it, because I’d sunk into a pretty bad depression and wasn’t taking care of myself much at all.  Mind, I didn’t see the movie this song released in, Donnie Darko, until several years later, so I had absolutely no context for the song.  I just happened across it, gave it a listen, and in my grief, kept playing it most of the spare time I had over and over again.  Reading some of the comments on the video itself, I’m certainly not alone in turning to this song in needing to feel pain, grief, and sadness.

Why, though, do we wait even in the little deaths to grieve, and why like this?

I think there are a few factors:

  1. A toxic emotional environment that downplays or outright denigrates displays of emotions, even healthy ones.
  2. This country does not want to think on, much less acknowledge death in a meaningful way.  For instance, much is made of Memorial Day and Veterans’ Day, but the celebrations have gone from largely somber affairs, and has been twisted into gaudy ways to sell furniture and celebrate empire via parades rather than actually being a time where we solemnly honor those who sacrificed life, limb, mind, and/or loved ones for this country.
  3. An actively toxic atmosphere in regards to feeling emotions at all, much less taking time to process them or taking time for oneself when being affected by them.
  4. Completely abhorrent mental health care in terms of preventative/therapeutic medicine, and direct addressing of psychological breaks, trauma, etc.  There is active cutting going on in the overworked departments of the mental health care field despite needing expansion and reinforcement.
  5. Many of us do not belong to cultures that encourage grief, displays of emotions, or expression of how we, ourselves, feel.

I see this shutting down as an outgrowth of our culture in the sense of toxic masculinity and American culture’s inability to handle genuine, expressed emotion that is lived in the moment.  The usual memes of ‘stiff upper lip’ and ‘keep on keeping on’ were ways I was told to handle the grief I was in the midst of.

These are part of the same toxic soup that contributes to grief welling up inside and needing to break through, regardless of how healthy it is.  I was not in a place that encouraged healthy grief.  In fact, I was actively encouraged to look for a new relationship, and was shoved towards one within a month or two of breaking up with Sylverleaf.  Not only was my relationship with this person unhealthy in its formation, I also delayed my grieving and healing that I needed to do.

If this is how we treat folks breaking up, how much worse is it for those whose loved ones pass away?  The old adage of ‘time heals all wounds’ paled in comparison to losing my grandfather.  It seemed like a slap in the face.  Sure, my grandpa could communicate with me in a number of ways, including directly, but it is not the same as having grandpa in my life.  Then there’s the “I need to be strong for my ___” idea, which both robs the person trying to be strong of their need and time to grieve in the moment, and also robs the person they are being strong for of being a helpmeet for them in turn with their grief.  In other words, it denies Gebo (gift-for-a-gift) in the grieving itself, and in the healing process, between those who the grief itself affects.

How can my son learn healthy ways of grieving if I refused to show him what that looks like?  How can he feel safe in bringing me his woes if I cannot show him they are nothing to be ashamed of, and that experiencing loss and reacting to it is part of living a full, and healthy life?  To this end we brought our son to mark the passing of our cat, A., who died about two years ago.  He was told why our furbaby was being put to sleep, he was walked through just as we were in what would happen, and he was able to grieve there and as he needed after.

This would be our son’s first witnessed death, and we wanted this moment to be as comfortable and sacred for our cat, and in so doing, make it as comfortable and sacred a thing to witness for us as a family, for our son seeing death for the first time.  Seeing death is an initiation, one we would do well to take more care in.

We brought our cat’s brother along, K., and allowed them to be around one another as A. was being hooked up for the drugs that would end his pain.  We each got a chance to hug him, tell him we loved him, pet him, kissed him, and hold him for awhile.  When everything was ready, we made prayers, weeping the whole while, and asked Freya and Bast to take him gently into Their arms and help him cross over. We thanked him for his time with us, and that we would keep his memory.  We told him we loved him as he shut his eyes for the last time.  When he lay still, we wept, and we were loud.  Well, I was.  We were holding each other, and were crying without shame.  Sylverleaf had taken him in at a year old, and though I certainly was not a cat person when we met, A.’s brother pushed me to becoming one about 3 or 4 years ago.  He was our cat, and we grieved his passing.

Even now, remembering him as the barbiturates took him into death, my throat tightens and tears tug at my eyes.  Yet, it was the best send off we could have given him.  I am not grieving his death itself, but missing his presence in our lives, and how he could light up a room with his inquisitiveness, or make us smile when he threw himself into our laps for petting.  How he had this bad habit of being underfoot when we needed him not to be.  We asked for a piece of his fur, which lays on the animalvaettir shrine on top of his paw casting and ashes.

In talking about A.’s death, it makes talking about my grandpa’s death easier.  It is unfortunate our son did not get to talk with him before he passed, but at the least, they had met.  He was in the hospital, and a cousin had me up on Google Hangout Video Chat.  It had been a few years since I had last seen my grandpa, and I knew from talking with my Dad that he was nearing his death.  Still, when I saw how small and sick he looked I damned near broke down crying on the spot.  I was gritting my teeth and trying not to wail.

My Mom took the phone from my cousin, and told me I needed to get it together for grandpa.  Grandpa wasn’t one who wanted us to grieve him.  He said as much while he was dying.  I took myself away from the phone for a bit, shed a few tears, collected myself, came back, and talked with him.  I let him know, cradling the phone in the basement of the Wandering Owl, that I loved him and that I missed him.  He looked to be in such pain, and I had never seen him so small, so vulnerable.  Grandpa was a guy who fixed everything, and was rarely in one place when I was a kid.  It hit me right in the heart to see him like that.  Still, he knew me, and could say he loved me, and knew who I was, and that itself is a privilege.  I told him I would pray for him, and he asked me to pray for his wife and the family.  I told him I would, and that evening, I did.

I did not think about it at the time, but the last words I said to him were “I love you grandpa.  We’ll speak soon.” when I let him go.  Whether when I was a Catholic or now as a polytheist, my religion tells me our Ancestors are hardly silent, and can offer us companionship and guidance.  Still, this was the first grandparent I had had a good relationship with and was losing.  So that evening, with the help of my Kindred, I grieved him.

The Catholic Ancestors were around me, getting Themselves ready to welcome him, and there for me, too.  The local Catholic church had closed for the evening.  However, I remembered something from a post on Galina’s website.

I saw more than one person kneeling on cobblestones outside of churches, when the church was locked but the person wanted to pray before that altar, or that icon.

I remembered somewhere, perhaps from the Ancestors Themselves, that one way to pray when the church was closed like this, was to pray the rosary at each step of the church, and to kiss the church doors.  I carry my First Communion rosary and the Book of the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs I was given then for my Catholic Ancestors.  I use the book to do bibliomancy and receive messages from Them. I prayed the rosary on each step for my grandfather, in offering to his spirit and the spirit of my Ancestors, and asked Hela with each step to make his transition into death as painless as possible.  I sang songs I remembered from when I was a child, and felt my Catholic Ancestors all around me.  When I had finished, I sat on the bench near the church, and smoked in prayer to my other Ancestors, and to Mordgud, Garm, and to Hela Herself.

That Sunday after his death I went to a Catholic church service near me, and walked the Stations of the Cross outside among the pine trees.  When I came to the central garden labyrinth, I walked it, and left offerings as I asked His God to shepherd him, and to care for him, and to let him speak with me when he was settled.  I made offerings at the shrine for St. Francis de Assisi, and at St. Joseph’s, asking the same.  I returned home and felt at peace.

I will not be putting his image on the Ancestors’ altar until a full year has passed from his death, which is soon.  This is in respect to him and so that when his image or an object of his is placed on the altar, he has had a chance to adjust to being dead and will not be hungry or confused.

As polytheists develop closer community ties, intergenerational ones especially, we need to speak and make our plans about death and the process of dying, how we grieve, and what we do for the dead.  It’s my hope that this post is one point of dialogue that touches this off.

Me?  When I think about what I would like done when I die, I do not want to suffer.  I do not want to linger in endless pain.  I want to leave my loved ones with the ability to say goodbye, as my grandfather did.  When I am dead, I want to be cared for by my family.  I want a rite that gives people a chance to mourn and a chance to celebrate.  To pour out tears and mead.  To comfort and cry, to laugh and enjoy each others’ company.  To drink in stories, to sing songs, to talk about the good times and the bad.

I want to be buried on my family land in a hallowed mound.  I want a tree planted on it, one that will last generations.  Maybe plant a whole grove by each person who gets moved in getting a new tree planted for them.  A boulder before it, maybe with a flat top, for offerings, for meeting, for divining.  For saying hi.  A runestone with our names, maybe scenes from our life if someone has the skill.  A new boulder for when that one is full so others’ stories can be passed down.  Whatever it is, I want it to not just be for me, but for my loved ones.  My tribe, my family.

The World

March 11, 2016 2 comments

The world is a Goddess and the world is a corpse

If you know the stories this does not shock;

The corpse of Ymir is the body of Jörð

 

The world is full of vaettir and yet is a Goddess

If you know the stories this makes sense;

The body of Jörð holds us and yet, we live within Her

 

The world is a world and it is many Gods

If you know the stories this is insight;

The world is not one thing to all Beings

 

The Goddess is a world and is one of countless

If you know the stories this is thoughtful;

The world is not the only place of Gods

 

The world is a home and it is one of many

If you know the stories this is wisdom;

This world is not the only one we will live in

 

The world is alive and we are part of it

If you know the stories this is existence;

The world teems with life, as do we

 

The world is living and it changes

If you know the stories this is evident;

The world shifts, and so will we all

 

The world is dying and it will die

If you know the stories this is powerful;

The world dies, and is reborn

 

The world is dead and it will live again

If you know the stories this is Ørlög;

The world is woven, and we are too

 

The world lives and it will keep on living

If you know the stories this is Wyrd;

The world lives, dies, and lives; so will we, one way or another

For my Grandfather

October 26, 2015 Leave a comment

You lie in a bed

Weak, weary

Sick beyond sick

Hanging on

I wish I could see you

Let you know thank you

For giving life with your wife

To countless kids

We know you are dying

I wish I could end it for you

But these people would not understand

And you, in your love for God and Church, would refuse

So I stay here

Praying for an end to your suffering

I raise smoke not only for you

But for the family you will leave behind

You will leave gaping wounds

In your wife and children

Because you worked so hard

To be loving in life

You are so far gone from here

Will we bury you here, where I can visit?

Or will you be laid to rest

in rocky red, parched soil?

I don’t know how I will mourn for you

If there will be tears or just fond memories

Because it’s so long, so distant

Since I saw your smiling, wrinkled face

I don’t know how I will stand strong

For my father or my family

But I will do what I can

To honor you, if nothing else

I pray for your end

To suffering and transfusions

To pain and weariness

To restlessness and the wait

I love you, Grandpa

You will be remembered

You will have a place in my home

You will be remembered.

The Battlefields No One Talks About

September 1, 2015 8 comments

When I hail the Warrior Dead, I do not hail just the Military Dead.  Certainly, there are Military Dead who are part of Them.  Certainly, all Military Dead should be honored for Their service.  However, there are a lot of Warrior Dead whose stories are glossed over, and lost to time.  These, and stories like these, should be well kept so we honor Their memory, and the causes They fought for.  I thank Bragi and Ansuz for helping me to write this.  Hail to You!  I hail the Warrior Dead who came and spoke to me while I was writing this.  Hail to You!  May the stories of the Warrior Dead never be forgotten.  In telling, may we live in Them.  In the telling, They live forever.

When anyone asks about what unions did to get the rights all workers possess, tell them about this.

You have come a long way from home to settle in a place in the Blair Mountain Ridge.  You went through hell just to get here.  This place is 50 miles out from the capital, Charleston, in West Virginia.  Trees are everywhere along the route to the mine you’ve come to work at, and what isn’t trees are rocks and boulders, and all of it is on slopes.  The mine is dark beyond dark, and the candles are the only source of light.  Every second or third miner might have one, if you’re lucky.  The hours are long, and you’re a long ways off from any non-company anything.  The little scraps you get so you can buy from the company store?  You buy your equipment with it.  You buy your food with it.  Your lodging.  What little there is.  You work 12 hours at a shot, maybe more.  You drop your candle somewhere, it goes out?  You pay for it.  If you died, you died, and if you were supporting a family, they better figure out quick how to support themselves without you.

What’s more is that even your soul isn’t safe from the company.  They have approved preachers and pastors.  They give them the messages to give to you and your fellow miners.  The very people who should be appealing to God on your behalf, on your family’s behalf, fill your ears with sermons of how good the company is, and how happy you should be to get blisters on your hands and feet, to risk your life each day or eventually get black-lung for a company that gives you scraps of paper to pay for the scraps of food they deign to give you from their heaping plates.  Yes, indeed, God bless America, and God bless the company.

You know that if you and your fellow miners, all of whom are in the same straits as you, organize, then the police will come with a signed martial law order in hand, and crack down.  Literally.  They do it whenever you and your folks get too rowdy, too angry from one more insult, one more death, one more trampling on your dignity.  So you strike.  The authorities and their posse of private enforcers come for you.  You get your skull split, you get arrested?  Goodbye, employment.  Your rights end where the nightsticks and guns begin.  After all, you’re working the specialty ore that nets your boss ungodly profits, and their pull is so thick they may as well have installed themselves as governor in Charleston.

Then, a day comes when you and your fellows won’t take it anymore.  It wasn’t enough that martial law was called.  Again.  It wasn’t enough that they tried to pin murder on Sheriff Hatfield and twenty-two other people.  No.  Those fuckers just executed one of the few pro-union folks in the neighborhood.  They killed Sheriff Sid Hatfield in cold blood.  They lured him the courthouse on bullshit perjury charges, and him and Ed Chambers were killed by deputized ‘detectives’ from Baldwin-Felts.  They put twelve fucking holes in each of them to make damn good and sure they and their ghosts weren’t coming back.

Baldwin-Felts Detective Agency.  The same pricks that were hired guards and ‘investigators’ for your boss.  The same folks who are more than willing to crack skulls to get their employers’ way. Blood spatters the ground, it pools.  You know it’s a matter of time before someone’s finger gets itchy, or someone moves the wrong way.  So you march, because it is wrong.  You march, because that life, and the life of all of those at risk from that martial law, bearing down like boots on all your necks, are worth it.  Solidarity.

You are 10,000 strong.  Some of you are armed with guns.  Some of you carry whatever seemed handy as a weapon.  Some of you have your hands, so that’s enough.  You all march.  You march, on foot.  It is fifty long miles until you hit Logan.  And people join you.  It doesn’t matter the background, the creed, the color, everyone marches.  Miners march with bookkeepers, march with doctors, march with lawyers, march with railroaders, march with ministers and pastors and priests.  You march.  You might be as many as 15,000 strong, now.  Solidarity

Then you all run square into the Logan Defenders in Logan County.  These bastards are armed to the teeth, headed by the anti-union Sheriff Don Chafin.  There might be anywhere from 3,000 to 6,000 men, all from Baldwin-Felts, local cops, deputies, and volunteers.  You’re a ragtag bunch; maybe half of you have decent weapons if you’re lucky.  They?  They have pistols and rifles, Browning .50 machine guns, artillery, and planes.  Oh, and those planes?  They have chemical and explosive payloads.  That’s right.  They’ll drop bombs on you full of shrapnel and bleach for the profits your blood and sweat will make them.  So you do the only thing you can do.  You charge right at them.  Solidarity.

It’s bullets and chaos, it’s hands clenched into fists, teeth bared, and dirt kicked up as you and those fuckers who want you down in the dirt come to it.  Fists pound flesh, bullets meant for other armies tear into your friends and chew their bodies like some great monster come to feast.  Crows and ravens wheel and scream overhead as the days drag on.  Guns, smoke, and screams fill the air.  You don’t stop fighting.  Solidarity.

The reports will say only 20-100 people died in the week that followed.  You know better.  You helped load your dead friends into boxcars to carry them home.  Archaeologists will say over a million rounds were fired.  You’ve no idea how many were fired, only what they did to you.  What they did to the land around you, pockmarking it.  Like the Earth vomited up black bile soaked in blood.  You pick up the dead, you say your prayers, and you get back to the fight.  Solidarity.

The week ends, and the federal troops arrive.  You and your fellows put down your weapons in the woods, hide them, and get the rest of the dead on their journey home.  Too many of you are veterans; these were family of another kind.  Besides, the Army wasn’t the ones trying to make you bleed just because you and your union folks wanted to be able to organize and bargain together for a decent wage, time off, a pension, or basic human dignity.  You and your fellows give up, no one so much as fires a shot.  It is over.  You make the long journey home.  You pray, and you bury your dead.  Solidarity.

Nothing much changes.  The company still takes advantage, except now it starts blacklisting union members and breaking contracts with the unions.  It still makes you pay for your equipment, your food, your lodging.  It still works you till you drop of black-lung or exhaustion.  It still puts those Baldwin-Felts thugs around the place, still pays those pastors to keep the company prayers and sermons in your ears.  It still takes you, body, mind and soul, for everything you’ve got.  Those of you who remain do so as your union dies a horrible death, slow, like a twisted knife in the guts.  The union won’t recover until 1935, when it comes to life in the New Deal.  You and your fellows are there, and you triumph as the bosses finally start to pay up, finally start to bargain in good faith.  The unions roar back to life, stronger than ever.  You stand on the bones of the dead, and remember: Solidarity.

These are the sources I consulted for this post:

http://www.archaeology.org/news/2461-140825-west-virginia-blair-mountain-battlefield

http://archive.archaeology.org/1201/features/blair_mountain_coal_activism_west_virginia.html

https://coalcountrytours.com/West_Virginia_Mine_Wars.html

http://www.pawv.org/news/blairhist.htm

http://theroanoker.com/interests/history/coalmining-war

http://www.wvencyclopedia.org/articles/333

I Seek

August 11, 2015 2 comments

I seek inside myself

a place that was

carved from earth

scraped from stone

 

I seek behind myself

those that knew

life from death

power from tribe

 

I seek before myself

a place that is

sought from earth

sanctified from sacrifice

 

I seek beyond myself

a tribe that knows

strength from striving

bonds from trust

Storytelling

June 17, 2014 Leave a comment

I sat in the dark with my son after night prayers, and a question came to me.

I asked him: “Do you have any questions about the Gods?”

His answer: “Who is Sif?”

It kind of surprised me; his question was not “What are the Gods?” or “Why is such-and-such this way?”.  He wanted to get to know the Gods we prayed to.

It has been awhile since we had read the stories or talked deeply about the Gods.  So, when he asked the question I did something that came naturally: I told a story.  I told him She is a Goddess, the wife of Thor, and we call to Her, thanking Her for Her generosity in the night prayer.  He asked why She was a Goddess of generosity, and I slipped into the story of how She kept Her composure when Loki burst into the hall, and still offered Him mead, as told in the Lokasenna.  He asked me why she would have been angry at Loki.  I told my son of how Loki had slain the doorman and insulted the Gods in Aegir’s hall, something one was not supposed to do.  He then asked why She would be angry with Loki.  So, I told him of how Sif’s hair had been cut by Loki before this, and still, She offered Loki to calm Himself and join the Gods in Aegir’s Hall.  He smiled, and he understood.  We worship Her, as well as Loki because They are our Gods.  They are not perfect; They are powerful, beautiful, mischievous, and so much more.  I saw my son’s face light up and crack into a grin as he asked what happened when Thor found out Loki had cut His wife’s hair.  He asked me smaller questions as the story went on, and it changed how I told the story.

He asked “Did Thor want to hurt Him?  What did Loki do?”  So I told of how Loki went down to the Dvergar and asked them to make Him a head of golden hair for Sif, hair that lived as Her had, and yet was made of gold.  His eyes lit up, still smiling, and he asked if Loki had been punished by the Aesir for what He did to Sif.  No, son, Loki made amends with Sif, giving Her that golden hair.  Thor may have wanted to, but Loki was not hurt; He had done as He promised, and made amends.

He came to know many Gods better tonight, not just Sif.  Did I tell him the whole story, of how Loki also convinced the sons of Ivaldi to make Skiðblaðnir and Gungnir?  No, it was not important at the moment.  He has heard the full story before, we’ve read it together.  I did emphasize how important the gifts Loki won were, how His mouth was sewn shut because Loki had wagered His head and lost.  That is the power of storytelling: we have to decide what to emphasize, what to put aside when we tell it, so it speaks to our listeners.  It does not make these two holy items, or their gifting to the Gods any less important.  It does not make Loki wagering His head less.  The telling of this part of the story would have lessened the impact of the story between Loki and Sif in this moment, and gotten before the point I wanted to make to my son: Loki made amends.  That when one makes amends one should not be punished further.

Our stories have to live from our lips and hearts to the ears and hearts of others.  If our stories do not live in us, what worth is there in telling them?

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