Patreon Topic 58: On Spirit World Politics Part 3

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From Maleck comes this topic:

“1. Concrete examples, *if* you can share them. Theoretical is great, but examples make shit real.

2. How does reincarnation (as applicable in its varied forms) and otherwise longer-than-human-lifetime-time frames play into how we can/should/do approach these politics? I’m thinking about both the pitfalls and genuine concerns about how past life and possible future lives (plus ancestors etc) show up in practice.”

Since I asked for input I received some from Grimchild, who shared this on the AGF server:

“Not to be a lurker late with Starbucks, but, I’ve been v much enjoying the SpiritWorld Politics series. A couple things I’d be interested in thoughts delving more into how things like inter-spirit politics & such can play out and affect the spirit worker, and how events in Midgard/the earthly realm can affect spirit realms and vice versa. These are things that I’ve definitely experience but not seen a lot of discussion about in a way that’s … I guess I want to say grounded in discernment.”

Spirit Politics in Miðgarðr

Given current events, I will be answering Grimchild’s points first.

In the wake of this Politico article, it should be abundantly clear spirit world politics shows up on this side of things too. Christian hegemony seeks to dominate the spiritual and political spheres together, and through this, seeks to regiment what is moral, and thus, allowed in society. It seeks to dominate and dictate what is allowed to occur in every realm of sexuality, medical rights and choice, and political thought, ideology, and action. Christian hegemony seeks to destroy other religions, and is hand-in-glove with white supremacist movements. It is important to remember even as we fight for them that they are not only coming for reproductive rights. This selfsame Christian hegemony is directly tied to science denialism of all kinds, including those against climate science, reproduction, sex, gender, evolution, and environmental science, and accordingly, all the people, communities, and things that these subjects touch on. It is directly tied to white supremacist movements. Combined with a capitalist system that seeks to turn everything into a commodity, this puts our very futures as a specie at risk.

Now, folks will say that Christian hegemony operates out of a purely political perspective. I could not disagree more. The kind of fervor and zealotry that is brought to bear is kept alive and burning hot with that of absolute conviction that is borne of a religious dogma that seeks to dominate, destroy, and convert anyone not of its ilk.

Whether or not this is a directive, obligation from, or action taken on behalf of the Christian God or that of an egregore, demiurge, or other kind of spirit is rather beside the point. Whatever the Being of the God or spirit, They have inspired a supreme amount of hate in Their followers. This hate has, in turn, spawned direct political impact on those for whom They, or Their followers, are opposed to.

We must resist this. Any Pagan, polytheist, or occultist should be in opposition to these religions, and the politics they seek to carry out on all of us. Ultimately it is our subjection that is being sought, and if we will not bend the knee, it is our lives.

Resistance

So how do we resist? We have a wider range of resources at our disposal than we may give ourselves credit for. We have the usual political outlets, including the ballot box and demonstrations. That is hardly the limit here, and it would be absolutely foolish for us to limit ourselves to these. Things like this are why I encourage folks to never take tools out of their toolchest. Situations like this are what cursing, hex work, seiðr, hamfara, niðing poles, and all kinds of magic are made for. Doing magic around these situations, whether directed at a Supreme Court justice, a politician, or towards local manifestations of the issue itself, can help.

Calling on the Gods, Ancestors, and vaettir associated with abortions, bodily autonomy, herbs, healing, and medicine in conjunction with doing magic and political work are ways of bringing our political actions, our spiritual actions, and ourselves together into the work before us. Doing blessings on food that others take to protests, colored thread with magic worked on them so marchers’ patches provide protection and courage, standing in witness with phones out, or being part of coordinating emergency response teams with BOBs (Bug Out Bags) or kits oriented around physical, emotional and spiritual emergencies, are all ways to bring these things together in political action even if you cannot make it directly to a demonstration or political rally. Buying Plan B or equivalent for others’ use, linking folks to communities and resources, and keeping an eye on local, regional, and State elections linked to these issues. Watching the kids, packing lunches, and bringing funds together to pay bonds are other ways of providing support to the front lines of demonstrations, direct action, and mutual aid networks. Mutual aid takes a variety of forms, and some of the least seen on TV are the most sorely needed.

These Christians are calling on God and engaging in spiritual warfare to enact their political and spiritual will. They are doing this as they engage the wheels of power to turn to their will. They are not shy about this. They are emboldened by it. Many operate under the lie that they are persecuted for their beliefs while openly persecuting anyone who does not believe or look like them. This is spiritual fascism. You cannot negotiate with this. This is not someone who wants to get along or live with you. They want you to bow or to die, and either way, they will feel emotionally superior while you do. Do not give them the satisfaction. Live powerfully, love deeply, and resist in every way you can.

This is how Spirit World Politics hit here in Miðgarðr. Sometimes, when it comes to powerful forces like those employed by Christian hegemony and all their backers, including evangelicals, traditionalist Catholics, and atheist and anti-theist enablers, this is what it looks like. Likewise, us calling on our Ginnreginn, our Gods, Ancestors, and vaettir to help us in these desperate times cannot help but cause ripples politically within the Spirit Worlds as well.

Inter-Spirit Politics and the Ancestors

How though? Grimchild asked about inter-spirit politics, and one way this definitely can play out is through our Ancestors. It is entirely possible that our Ancestors are going to be divided on the subject of something as emotionally impactful as abortion. In my own case I have Catholics going back a long way in my family. Some of these folks will not be behind me on abortion rights, and will still support me. Some of these folks will not be behind me on my religion, and will still support me. If the Ancestors at hand are not behind me They don’t get reverence, worship, or offerings from me, my family, my tribe, or my Kindred. If the Ancestors do not have a relationship with me They likely will have little to no influence now, because I am the only spiritworker in my family that I know of, and the only one in my family that I know of doing any kind of in-depth Ancestor work. If They do not play ball with me then They are not likely to be heard, have impact, or be instrumental in this or the next generation. Their ability to impact Miðgarðr is greatly reduced, if not eliminated.

How do I know if a given Ancestor or group of Ancestors is on my side? I talk with Them. I work with my gifts of spiritual hearing, sight, etc. I do divination to commune with Them and to discern messages, and when I am stumped or need help I go to other diviners. I begin with the powerful Ancestors whose names I know or Who have revealed Themselvs to me. I move out from there and develop more relationships. I have good relationships with a few of the powerful Ancestors, the Disir, Väter, Eergi, and Þverr. I have good relationships with Catholic Ancestors, and older ones we could call Heathen Ancestors to keep things simple. I have Ancestors I share with loved ones related to me by blood, and I have Ancestors I share with loved ones related to me by lineage, adoption, and spirit. What all Who are in relationship with me hold is that They are with me, not against me.

If a given Ancestor wants nothing to do with a political issue that is fine, but They do not get to have input when it comes to getting shit done for that topic. If They get in the way, well, I get Them out of my way either by exclusion or asking the powerful Ancestors to keep Them out of my way. An Ancestor does not have to support everything I do, but I get to make my own choices on how my megin (might) and hamingja (group luck/power) gets used. I also get to make choices on what influence They get to have on that megin and hamingja and how they are used. In turn I deal with the consequences of that choice.

Inter-Spirit Politics Between Gods

Inter-spirit politics can take a number of other forms. Some of them can be quite beautiful, and mutually build up good relationships between the Ginnreginn. Contrast this with those that exist between the evangelical Christian God and our own. A form this can take are those that exist between two different Ginnreginn of different Worlds. I will be getting into my own experiences here, with a huge caveat: this is my personal experience, and I have no doubt that they will be controversial, particularly with those who do not believe we should be worshipping Her, or Her Children. However, I have experienced Óðinn and Angrboða, very divergent Gods, reaching out to one another. In my own case, it was through direct contact between the two of Them, being fostered to Her from Óðinn.

A brief explanation: fosterage is an old practice. In the cases that comes to mind, it was most often between a man and his brother, a freeman (karl) and a jarl or góði, and similar arrangements. However, it certainly is not the only kind, and I am finding this kind of thing happening with Gods from the same culture background (Norse and Icelandic in my case), I am also finding it across different backgrounds.

What would the purpose of such a fosterage be? Sometimes to tie two families together, or for help in raising the child. Others times fosterage would be something like a political move to unite two families or work to resolve disputes between them. Looking up fosterage in the sagas, and Gisla Saga, Sturla Saga, and Njal’s come up. In my own case it seems to serve two purposes: first, to tie these two families together in a binding way, and two, as a working relationship to resolve disputes between these families. While I would say that the grievances these two Gods and Their families have with each other are not over in any final sense, that They are willing to have and are engaged in this dialogue is a powerful thing.

With this in mind we have some good reasons for such an arrangement between two Gods, particularly ones that are chieftains of Their respective tribes. Those who are utterly opposed to the Jötnar have already checked out of the conversation. What are the implications if we accept such an experience as genuine? Again, as I have spoken about in previous posts, it is not that I am inherently more holy or better than others. It is that my lot is to be a container of relationships in this way for these Ginnreginn. Potentially anyone could be put into this situation if they accepted it. What it means is that these two Gods are willing to engage in relationship-building at the least through us, the humans, in which They are also in relationship with. It does not mean we have power over our Gods. Rather, we have power with Them.

Part of the power of animism and polytheism is that our relationships can be as varied as they are many. As many ways as we have relating to and with the Gods, why should this be an area where the Gods have no care for us? Why would we seek to limit the Gods in such a way? Why would we seek to limit ourselves in how we can connect to the Gods? Monotheism’s norms should not ever have become our yardstick, and we need to discard them should we ever hope to genuinely come into our own relationships with the Ginnreginn.

This gets to the another side of inter-spirit politics, and that largely starts in our realm and what we limit or open ourselves to. If all we ever accept is a relationship with the Gods like that which was modeled for us in Christian homes and churches then we necessarily limit ourselves as well. I am an Odinsson, and that brings with it obligations and political meaning. Accepting this brings power. It brings power through hamingja, and through all the relationships Óðinn has ever touched for good or ill. Without Óðinn I would not have gotten to know or love Loki. Without Him I would not have a relationship with the Runevaettir. Without Óðinn I would not have touched all the lives I have through those relationships with the Runevaettir, here through this blog, the Patreon, and all the shows I have been a part, including The Jaguar and the Owl, Around Grandfather Fire, and 3 Pagans on Tap, would not have happened. If I had limited myself to what was acceptable as Catholicism had taught me or as later examples in my own Pagan, polytheist, and Heathen communities had taught me, I would not be here doing and writing these things.

Reincarnation and Spirit Politics

Now, to Maleck’s questions. I will be writing on the second question first. “2. How does reincarnation (as applicable in its varied forms) and otherwise longer-than-human-lifetime-time frames play into how we can/should/do approach these politics? I’m thinking about both the pitfalls and genuine concerns about how past life and possible future lives (plus ancestors etc) show up in practice.”

My first question would be: is the life in question relevant? For instance, if you made a deal for multiple lifetimes of service to a God then that would definitely be relevant. However, I think the majority of our lives are just lived through, and while their influences may still be felt on us, such as guiding our actions, our past lives are not any more in the driver seat than our Ancestors are. There is the idea of karma as found in Dharmic traditions. This Buddhist Centre article goes over it from one point of view. To briefly sum up, karma has knock-on effects from past lives to future ones. Your choices affect how you do things as you go on to different lives.

A pitfall here can be to try to ‘make up’ or atone for the actions of your past selves. To a certain degree, particularly if you did some horrible stuff in a past life, that is laudable. However, as with a lot of things to do with past lives, it is far too easy to get sucked into those as opposed to living this life the best way that you can. You cannot change the past. However, you have immediate power with how you respond to the örlog of this life.

I do not worry much about my past lives. I am pretty busy living this one. I will not say there is nothing useful in them, though. They can be a source of power, of obligation, and healing. They can also be a source that you can tap to look for direction in this life. After all, if you can look back and see the bigger patterns or figure out where certain connections have come from, why not work with that?

Just because I do not work much with my own past lives does not mean that they are not of concern to spirit politics. To that point, it may mean quite a bit in what spirits are willing to work with you, what you örlog looks like on this go-around, and what situations in this life may be open to you. It can be worth investigating to see what you have going on, with the caution towards getting sucked into just swimming in the waters of all those past lives vs the one being lived now.

Examples of Spirit World Politics in My Life

Now, to Malek’s first question: “1. Concrete examples, *if* you can share them. Theoretical is great, but examples make shit real.”

Some examples of spirit world politics in my life:

Being the only spiritworker in my family, I get to be the point of contact. Few folks in my blood family are paying any attention to our Ancestors. Fewer still would heed Them if they were. If our Ancestors want to be heard, want a voice, or want Their descendents to listen to Them, I am more or less it. They can disagree with my choice of religion, my queerness, my relationships, all of it. They do not get to disrespect me, my partners, my Gods, my vaettir, or my other Ancestors and still have a seat at the table. Does this cause some chafing? Absolutely. However, the powerful Ancestors are also there to help sort this, so, by and large we have.

In Their turn the Ancestors get to ask things of me. So, the Catholic Ancestors had Their own section on our home Ancestor stalli in my folks’ home, and when we set it up again They will have Their own section for that as well. We have different sections for different Ancestors because folks wanted Their own space. Since our home layout is completely different it is taking a bit of time to find stalli that will work with the layout of our hearth. In the meantime we honor Them on our home’s hearth.

The wearing of the Runevaettir as tattoos on my forearms is in part a political message. It is first about my living in community with the Runevaettir. They are so important to me that I wear Them on my skin and I display Them every day since I seldom wear a long-sleeve shirt. Displaying Them this way is a signal to others that the Runes do not belong to white supremacists. It is also an open invitation to anyone to talk with me about Them, which is part of why the Runes held me to the oath to get Them tattooed onto my body, and chose the location They did. I talked about this at length in The Importance of Being Visible.

Being an Erilaz and being vocal about working with the Runes as vaettir is part of being political. It would be very easy to just shut my mouth and nod along when folks say that They are nothing more than writing. I think, though, that there is a lot to be gained and not just in terms of having solid spiritual relationships with the Runes Themselves. When you understand a Rune as a vaettir They are a whole Being unto Themselves. If we understand our writing, our systems of divination, and one of the ways in which we Heathens bring magic and power into the world as being vaettir, the political implications are enormous. The worldview brings with it an entire wealth of relationships to be considered when we want to do anything from galdr to making bindrunes to reading Runes in divination. It brings Their considerations and insight to the table, not merely what we memorize of the Rune Poems or the meaning of the words that make up Their name. It takes power out of the hands of academia to dictate the bounds of our relationship and puts that power into that of these vaettir.

Think about this. When you start to listen, really listen to these vaettir, Hagalaz is no longer just hail or destruction. They are hail and all the things that brings. They are the destruction that will be wrought, the waters that hail will melt into, and the benefits that brings. They are noted in the Icelandic Rune Poems as being the sickness of serpents, and serpents (attor) are noted in the Merseburg charm as being carriers of disease. Hagalaz can be worked with to destroy disease. Likewise, if we look to Lacouteaux and his examination of serpents in protecting the home, such as in The Tradition of Household Spirits, Hagalaz can also be worked with to destroy protection. So, while Hagalaz does not lose Their aspects of hail or destruction, They cease to just be that.

My relationship with many of the húsvaettir and landvaettir of my parents’ home has continued in my new home. When we moved we made the offer that any who wanted to come with us could. Sometimes vaettir leave a place because of neglect, abuse, or wanting to get away from a toxic situation. In this case, the reason many vaettir came with us, is that while my folks take good care of their house and land they do not offer cultus to the vaettir. To be sure, the landvaettir and húsvaettir that have stayed are happy, and so are the vaettir that came with us to the new home. Not all separation of vaettir from a place need ly to horrible, traumatic, or anything beyond wanting to stick with folks that treat you right.

This kind of positive relationship building with the landvaettir keeps up whether we are talking of my work at Crossing Hedgerows Sanctuary and Farm or at my own home. The landvaettir talk. They share news as surely as nutrients are shared through the soil and mycelium networks. As sure as connections on the wind. Those political dimensions, including the little things of what I put into the soil, they feed that soil that in turn feeds those relationships. I am showing the landvaettir that They matter by what I put into the ground, how I grow what I grow, and by listening to Them on how They want things to be grown. I am putting my spiritual politics into practice by putting my hands to work in and with the ground beneath my feet as surely and concretely as I am when I make prayers or offerings.

Thank you to everyone who submitted responses, especially to Maleck for getting this series of posts started, their ongoing questions, and to Grimchild for their contributions. I am not sure if there will be a Part 4, yet, without folks submiting questions or ideas on what to cover. So, if folks are interest please let me know what you want me to cover in the comments section, in my email, or on the Around Grandfather Fire Discord server.

A Heathen Prepping -On Violence

I had a friend reach out to me recently, concerned I may have been dipping into more exhausting things during my break, rather than spending the last few months relaxing.

That’s just it, Snow. This is me relaxing.

Something they brought up and I dove into was the concept of violence in prepping spaces, especially those on the far-right. Let me be clear: I did not get into prepping to live out a machismo fantasy of gunning down my neighbors, nor of living out The Walking Dead where I live. Rather, I approach prepping through the lens of hospitality and service. Hospitality extends to those who are good guests. People banging down the door, literally or proverbially, in an effort to harm my family, tribe, or communities have forfeited their guest rights. People intimating violence because of my religion, sexuality, ethnicity, leftist political beliefs, etc or the race, sexuality, ethnicity, religion, etc of those in my circles have forefeited their guest rights.

Peace, Not Pacifism

My prepping is predominantly peaceful. Note, not pacifist. To explain I am going to illustrate my point with three quotes I have found online and the first three lines from the Hávamál, H.A. Bellow’s translation:

The first quote, attributed to Stef Starkgaryen, says: “You can’t truly call yourself “peaceful” unless you are capable of great violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful, you’re harmless. Important distinction.”

The second quote, attributed as a Chinese proverb is paraphrased as: “It is better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.”

The third quote, attributed to Sun Tzu in his work The Art of War is: “The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy’s not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable.”

Now, to H.A. Bellow’s translation of the Hávamál:

“1. Within the gates | ere a man shall go,
(Full warily let him watch,)
Full long let him look about him;
For little he knows | where a foe may lurk,
And sit in the seats within.

2. Hail to the giver! | a guest has come;
Where shall the stranger sit?
Swift shall he be who, | with swords shall try
The proof of his might to make.

3. Fire he needs | who with frozen knees
Has come from the cold without;
Food and clothes | must the farer have,
The man from the mountains come.”

Without the skill, ability, and most of all the willingness to commit to violence, peace and hospitality cannot be established or maintained. A given Heathen community cannot commit to being an inclusive place so long as White Supremacist and Folkish Heathens are permitted in it. The very existence of White Supremacist and Folkish Heathens is a direct threat to BIPoC, LGBTQIA+, ethnic, and religious minorities. Truthfully, as we have seen with those who have left the AFA and similar outfits, White Supremacist and Folkish Heathens eventually turn on their own. That’s the way supremacy works: you eat everyone else until all you can do is eat your own.

The very existence of White Supremacist and Folkish Heathens is a direct threat to Heathenry. I do not mean this in some abstract way. I have received death threats for my anti-racist and anti-Folkish stances. Others have been directly physically harmed, harassed, bullied, and doxxed. There is no reasoning with these ideologies nor those who hold to them. They are directly harmful. They seek to legitimize, encourage, and then to engage in genocide. It begins in rhetoric and comes increasingly through to fruition: direct action. They seek to kill the Other, as demanded by their ideology, and seek the destruction of other people and their ways of life. If a given Heathen community is unwilling to make a stand, not with some internet Declaration, but with their feet, and when necessary their hands and weapons, then all their words are air.

The other side is not playacting when it comes to killing those it sees as its enemies. The 3%ers, the Proud Boys, and the AFA, among many others, are not fucking around. For too long Heathens in the middle have pretended there was some middle ground to be had. There is not. You are either on the side of inclusivity or you are in support of white supremacy. There is no negotiation with it.

Bonds and Bounds of Frið and Grið

A simple explanation is that frið and grið are bonds of peace and good social order. Ocean Keltoi has a good video going over the concept here. Frið, as I understand and use the term, is held with family, loved ones, tribe members, and community. In other words, those I consider innangarð, those in my inner yard. Grið is held with strangers as a temporary peace, with those utgarð or in the outer yard. These concepts are then woven into Heathens conceptions of hospitality. While many Heathens may not use the term innangarð or utgarð, I find most of us agree on the larger picture here: hospitality is established through peace and good social order.

Bonds of frið and grið are maintained so we can get things done. We do not always have to like each other. However, we do need to have mutual respect and to give one another honor in such bonds. So how do we establish frið and grið, and what does violence have to do with them?

Frið and grið must be formed in honor and strength. They are a willing acceptance of obligation to one another. In the case of frið, these bonds are made and maintained with those who you are willing to defend with your life and who likewise take on that obligation. Those I understand in this fashion are my personal family, friends, and tribe. I do not extend frið to acquaintances. Insofar as I understand the terms and employ them, they rely on very clearly delineated boundaries of obligation. I aid and defend those I carry bonds of frið with.

In a SHTF scenario this means that those I hold these frið obligations with come first. I do prep to care for those bonds. I work to provide enough supplies, information, and knowledge to get us through the challenges that come our way. I do work to support those I have these bonds with so we can all come through SHTF scenarios safely. Generally, I expect that safety in these situations is ensured through effective prepping, such as making sure we have enough resources on hand to get through a few months. Given the violence we have seen on display from White Supremacists, Folkists, and the far Right, it is not out of the realm of possibility that self-defense is going to be necessary. I was prompted to write this series in part because there is a good contingent of folks in various prepping communities planning to do a good bit of violence to secure resources in a number of SHTF scenarios. Just because something is unpleasant to think on does not mean we should not consider it. This, for me, is a chief concern and obligation with regards to frið. Am I willing to put my life on the line for you? Am I willing to defend you, to kill if necessary? If I answer no or hesitate, then we do not have frið.

This is at the forefront of my mind since I have had a few Folkish and White Supremacist Heathens come across my blog and reblog my last few posts. It seems that none of them have read the content of this blog or they would realize that I am utterly opposed to them. The very act of being a Folkish or White Supremacist Heathens breaks bonds of frið and grið with me. We cannot have peace or good social order if your ideology rests on my death or that of those in my circles. The ideology of White Supremacy and Folkishness prevents grið from being established. For anyone that has ever written the words “No Frith with Fascists”, truly think on what that means. If you truly do believe the words of Hávamál 127, meditate on what it means and the implications of what your actions are:

“127. I rede thee, Loddfafnir! | and hear thou my rede,–
Profit thou hast if thou hearest,
Great thy gain if thou learnest:
If evil thou knowest, | as evil proclaim it,
And make no friendship with foes.”

Thinking on Violence

Rather than offer any one way as the way we should prepare for violence, I think we need to approach violence through the lens of prepping as another tool in our tool chest. How useful is violence in a given scenario? What does violence do, and how well does it do it? What training and tools can best deescalate a situation so violence does not need to be used? What training and techniques can reduce or eliminate the use of violence in a given scenario? What training and tools are most effective at preventing harm if violence must be used? What scenarios require a full commitment to the use of violence?

In most scenarios violence is the least desirable tool. It can cause us to waste time, resources, and life. It causes harm which necessitates healing and possibly recompense, or, in the worst of situations, cleanup, and the possibility of jailtime and/or reprisal. The use of violence can sour even the best of relationships even if we, ourselves, are not its target. Violence is often ugly, brutal, and frightening.

These truths should not prevent us from using it.

Rather, I would hope it would inspire folks to be judicious in its use. To be sure of what scenarios we would be willing and able to engage in violence. To be sure and clear in what obligations we agree to in our frið and grið-making. To be sure and clear in what obligations we hold with guests and hospitality under our roof. Not all violence need be fatal, but all violence has that potential. Violence should, in my view, be a tool of last resort. However, it should not be a tool we throw away, ignore, or denigrate. So, I see an obligation on each of us who would use it to have the proper training to effectively carry out violence in whatever way is best suited to our abilities, training, skills, and the situation at hand. I see an obligation on each of us who would keep bonds of frið, grið, and hospitality to be clear on what they will and will not accept within their bounds and to be ready and willing to enforce them.

Cutting Ties Pt. 1

There are two parts to this. The first will be a copy of the email I have sent to Galina Krasskova and Sannion so that everyone knows what I have said and there is no mistaking my stance on things.

The second will be my reflections on things. I have no time right now for when this will be written. This was hard on its own.

None of the conclusions I have reached or the actions I have taken or will be taking in the future were arrived at with haste. If anything, this has been a long time coming where I have ignored my internal compass for too long, and I have hit my limit.

“Dear Galina and Sannion,

Over the past few weeks I’ve had time to think and analyze. Both of you have taught me over the long time we have known each other that our choices are just that. That above all, you have said Sannion, that Dionysos values consent and choice. Both of you have taught me that we are not merely in the hands of our Gods, we are co-creating with Them. Not on Their level, but not without agency, will, and choice.

You chose to put on the Sonnenrad, Sannion, and you have continued to defend this decision. Out of my love and belief in you, I have defended you both in your words and your actions. You are people who I have trusted with some of my deepest, most painful moments. I trusted you both to guide my evolution as a spirit worker. You are people who I have respected as Elders and colleagues for that great work you have both done for the Gods, Ancestors, spirits, and the respective communities you have worked within.

I can no longer be your student, your colleague, your ally, or your friend. You have picked up a symbol designed and wielded by the SS who committed countless atrocities and crimes against humanity. You have defended it in private and in public, and I can no longer support defending your words or actions.

I do not condone and will not condone the wearing of, tattooing of, or display of the Sonnenrad or the swastika. The latter, as you have told me several times, Galina, will not be rehabilitated in either of our lifetimes. Yet, you are defending your husband and coreligionist wearing the symbol of Nazis, something you continuously emphasized you want removed from the Heathen communities. Sannion, you have said you are not a Nazi, yet you are wearing, displaying, and defending the symbol of the SS. This is indefensible.

I have been incredibly patient and careful on my end, especially when you, Galina, have not. Your direct attacks on myself and others over political disagreements are reprehensible. I have stood by while you have broken grið with members of the Heathen communities over these things. You have attacked myself and others over our spiritual outlooks outside of politics. Part of my spiritual outlook is I brook no passage for Neo-Nazis, White supremacists, or their symbols.

You both have continued to speak falsely about antifa. I have let this go unaddressed for too long. Antifa is not a formal organization unto itself. Each city or town may have its own antifa organization, but there is no ‘national organization’ unlike the well-documented Proud Boys, 3%ers, or other White supremacist organizations that pose real and continuing threats. These protesters were armed with M16s, AK-47s, and flak jackets on the steps of my State capitol. Again, I find this behavior indefensible, especially in an Elder.

You have both made statements that have besmirched the Black Lives Matter movement as a terror organization. Black, Latinx, and Indigenous Lives Matter. All of these movements are for the sovereignty and rights they are due under the law, things that never should have had to be marched for at all. The pursuit of equality and justice are qualities I require in my Elders, and I find you lacking in both.

You have both expressed your fervent hope that your work would live on after you both were dead. Galina, you have stated that you would rather see everything burn down around you than ‘be infected’ by whatever enemies you perceive in your midst. Now, that torch will never have to be lit. By either one of you. You are watching as the very foundations you have built are burning in the fires of your egos and by your poor decisions. I can no longer support or carry on your work in any of your lineages.

I separate myself from Urðabrunnr Kindred.

I separate myself from the Starry Bull and the Starry Bear.

I separate myself as a student and as a colleague from you.

I separate myself from the friendship I have had with you.

I separate my love from you.

Know that I will always grieve you.

Ves þu heil,

Sarenth Odinsson”

Hanging

I made this song listening to Skrillex and Innerpartysystem.  For some reason Odin’s Hanging on the Tree kept coming to mind, so I wrote this.

 

Fervent fever

Blood burning

Ligament lashing

Muscle mashes

Teeth tremble

Skin slackens

Eye erupts

Brains bombarded

Heart hammers

Feet fetter

Hand hacks

Tongue tastes

Blood blackens

Panting panic

Noose knotting

Spear shaking

Breath billows

Body breaking

Eye extinguished

Tree triumphant

Dark descending

Death demarking

Hanging hallowing

Gap gushing

Runes rushing

Power pressing

Enlightenment erupting

Life leering

Vying vicious

Hands hit

Bark bites

Feeling fulminous

Eye easing

Blood beating

Rope ruptured

Runes rapturous

Ground greeting

Spear sentinel

Blood beckons

Grip grasping

Feet finding

Legs locking

Body bending

Knees kneeling

Eye earnest

Lungs leaven

Form freed

Spine straightening

Feet follow

Legs lengthen

Stride seeking

Hands heaving

Reigns reaching

Mouth moving

Runes responding

Words whispered

Designs drawn

Movements made

Blessings born

Curses created

Sacrifice sanctified

Holiness haggard

Death deterred

Road rejoined

 

Critique of Harner’s Shamanism: Guest Post on Gangleri’s Grove

I wrote a critique of Harner-style shamanism in response to a blog commenter post on Ms. Krasskova’s Gangleri’s Grove.  It eventually grew into a long post that had to be reposted in several places.

Ms. Krasskova was kind enough to ask me to finish my thoughts, and has it up as a guest post on her blog.  Part 1 is here and Part 2 is here.

I am interested in hearing others’ views on this topic.

Credentials

Since the trial for James Arthur Ray has ended in his conviction for negligent homicide, something that has really popped up in my mind a lot is the idea of credentials.  They can keep people safe, establish who has proper training in a discipline, art, science, etc., and who does not, and can communicate professionalism in an instant.  When I think of credentials I think of licensing, such as what happens with counseling, or with medical disciplines.  Having an M.D. or some other recognized credentials communicates a certain trust between the community and you, that you have had the training and experience necessary to qualify in the field you’re practicing.  How do we establish such a thing in Paganism or modern shamanism?

Some places, such as Cherry Hill Seminary for Pagan ministry, and the Foundation for Shamanic Studies for neo-shamans, are trying to fill this requirement by giving classes, workshops, and a variety of training in disciplines and techniques for their path.  I have many criticisms of core shamanism, as well as misgivings regarding the practice of shamanism without a core cosmogony or cosmology.  That said, I find it laudable that someone is helping to set a standard of expectations, that neo-shamans to be answerable to some standard of expertise and training.  Still, there is something that bothers me about the setting of standards regarding shamanism.  I think it is something I was reminded of in this post by Kenaz Filan, that I worry regarding “the desire to reduce everything to one happy nebulous one-size-fits-all Truth.”  I’m not about to say that people should not have standards regarding their spiritual workers; quite the opposite, in fact.  The worry I have, is that we reduce the role of a Pagan priest or a modern shaman to a “one-size-fits-all-Truth”.  Community standards, and standards of practice are one thing.  Expecting the same thing out of every priest or shaman is quite another.  That, perhaps, is my main point of contention with core shamanism itself: that it reduces a good deal of practices, techniques, and so on, down into a distilled form of core shamanism that is billed as shamanism without culture, when it merely replaces a mishmash of cultures’ spiritual tools and practices with its own culture.

This is why I worry about, but am not completely opposed, to credentialed spiritual leaders, mentors, and the like.  That said, I have none.  I am not certified by any body, religious or otherwise, to conduct the rituals I do, or to deliver the services I offer.  I have only the blessings of my Gods, spirits, Ancestors, and those who believe in what I do.  I have only the experiences I have had as a shaman, and priest of Odin and Anubis as my spiritual background.  In a very real sense, it is a leap of faith for people who come to me for spiritual help or advice to trust me.  I have no training from an accredited seminary, nor do I have a certificate from the modern neo-shamanic organizations.  Am I still a priest and a shaman?  I emphatically say “Yes”.

I am of the mind that, while you can go through all the varied and well-made training workshops and classes, the Gods and/or spirits are what designate you as a priest and/or shaman.  Without the Gods and/or spirits, while you may have all the earthly credentials in the world, what does that matter if, when the time comes, you are called on to be a Divine mouthpiece and you cannot perform your function?  When someone needs to hear the guidance of their God/dess, and you cannot communicate it, what did the seminary lessons matter?  When a person is being bothered by spirits or Ancestors, if you cannot intervene and/or guide effectively, what good are all the workshops?  Anyone can screw things up as a matter of simply being human, and no spirit-worker, priest, shaman, or oracle I know of does what they do without screwing up.  I certainly have not.  That, however, is not my point here.  What is, is that the Gods and spirits with whom you work, in my view, are the ones that bestow the meaning, the core, of what it is to be a priest or a shaman.  If you don’t have Them behind you in your function, while you may be a great facilitator or organizer, you are not a priest or shaman.

There is also, to me, a large difference between being a priest or shaman of a community, and being a priest or shaman of specific Gods or spirits.  While the two need not be exclusive, they can be very different in their roles.  Having been a priest for a community for a small time, the role required me to fill a lot of shoes, and do a lot of working with others’ Gods, successes, failures, and times of trial, as well as times of joy.  There was a lot of work on communication, answering questions, writing lessons, and training that was done as part of that work.  A lot of my daily work during this time was community-based, from daily work with people on their relationships with Gods, to working on rituals, classes and presentations.  Being a priest of Odin and a shaman apart from a dedicated community, a lot of my work for the larger Pagan community consists of giving messages from Gods, spirits, and Ancestors, intervening when needed in spiritual crises, and being a go-to for people looking to contact Odin and other Northern Tradition Gods, spirits, and Ancestors.  A lot of my work is individual-based, and I do a lot of more self-focused work, such as taking more time out for relaxation and meditation, and give more personal attention to the Gods and spirits I work with, whether it is working with my Ancestors, or working on deepening my relationships with my Gods.

Are credentials necessary?  In some cases, yes.  If you want to legally marry people, for instance, you need to have credentials that back up your ability to sign the marriage license.  However, I and a very good friend of mine, performed a wedding for a wonderful couple, and though it is not legally recognized due to the laws in my state, it is a strong marriage blessed by the Gods.  Are credentials beyond those for legal reasons a necessity?  I’m still out on this.  As someone who has dedicated his life to serving my Gods, I would say no.  Yet, at the same time, I see how credentials provide comfort, a sense of security, and communicate professionalism.  After all, I’m getting my degree in counseling for that reason, and when I’ve finished with that, I will go for licensing so I can practice what I’ve learned.

At this point I’m taking a middle road because Pagan priesthood and modern shamanism do not, by and large, have the background that professional counseling does, and beyond the two resources I’ve mentioned above, anything resembling professional training in either field is scant, or is specific to certain pathways, i.e. the Aquarian Tabernacle Church’s seminary.  If we want more professionally-trained priests and shamans, whether for the wider Pagan or shamanic communities, or our own little branches in their trees, we will largely have to either a) support what is already there and increase its ability to be used effectively by its adherents, or b) invent these courses and methods of accreditation ourselves.  I find that accreditation can be a powerful, stabilizing force, but it can also be one that can strangle peoples’ ability or willingness to explore, find new ways, be touched by the Gods or spirits, or respond in ways that establishments may find chaotic, destabilizing, or unwelcome.  Here is hoping that as we move forward we can develop courses and accreditation that encourage individual and group responsibility, personal and transcendent experiences of our Gods, spirits, and Ancestors, while also providing a solid structure to build our faiths, roles, and communities on.  Here is hoping that if credentialing gets in the way that we have the bravery and wherewithal to help it evolve with our communities’ growing needs, or if it will not, then to discard it.

Personal Work

It’s been awhile since I last posted, and a good chunk of that time has been to work on personal stuff.  Some of that personal stuff has been screwing around, relaxing, and finding a job.  My spiritual life has become a lot more low key, becoming more integrated in ways I didn’t think would be so effortless.  The work with the herb garden, which now has one of my Dad’s tomato plants in it, has drawn me closer to Freyr, Gerda, Angrboda and Eir, and in little ways they are showing me lessons.  The closer I pay attention, but to Them and especially to the plants, the more I learn.  My work with Frigga comes and goes, but She is a quiet, patience presence in my life that I am still feeling out.  A lot of my spirituality has gone away from my altar and now walks with me.  The volunteer work I am doing, the empathy model I have learned, pushes me to listen a lot more than I have.  A lot of time when I did spiritual counseling over the last seven or so years, problems were brought to me that were pretty clear.  Yet, with the empathy model I am learning to be a more effective shaman and priest; I’m relearning not just how to listen, but a new mindset in listening and engaging conversation.  The ‘intensity’ Odin promised me this summer for spiritual has been delivered in spades.  Sure, I’ve done a good deal of spiritual work with and for others, but the intensity doesn’t come from that as much as the down time.

Not having a community to look after took away a lot of the excuses I used to distract myself from thinking about how I feel about things, relate to things, understand things, and where I am emotionally.  When I lost the group, and my relationship with my fiancee, a lot of the barriers that I kept up that stopped me from relating to myself, from being empathetic with myself, broke down.  I was stuck inside my own head with my own thoughts.  For weeks, Odin forbade me from any astral travel, utiseta, seidr, and similar kinds of mind-altering work.  I was stewing in my own juices, at times in guilt and other times in anger, and at other times sheer sadness.  I was feeling real emotions without covering them up, allowing myself to put a veneer of bullshit over them, or tamp them down.  Who was I not going to express them to?  Myself?

This went on for awhile until I hit a breaking point, mercifully, among supportive friends who had a good idea that it was coming.  They both let me do something I had, up until that point, really denied myself full expression: grieve.  I had just sucked in all the mixed feelings I had from the week I left the group  and my fiancee and I broke up, and ran with it.  At that point, it was more about surviving exam week.  Afterward, it was because I didn’t want to deal with the feelings I had stuck inside me.  When I finally let everything out, it was a clearing point for my emotions and my head.  I’ve been able to look back with a clearer head, see where I made mistakes, where others made mistakes, and accept that I screwed up without skewering myself with guilt trips and emotional lashings any more.  I may not remember everything (I don’t have the best memory) but I clearly can see where I screwed up, and have changed how I do things.  I think that of anything, that’s really the important part.  That, and I’m more forgiving with myself than I used to be.

Part of the reason I lashed out at group members was because I held myself to very high standards, standards that I sometimes wasn’t able to meet.  So I’d push myself and push myself until I hit them, and expect everyone else around me to rise up to my standards.  Not only did I tend to have high expectations that were impossible to meet, I also reacted a lot to my fear that I was not good enough, didn’t know enough, wasn’t a good priest or shaman, and I felt I needed to help people because if I wasn’t useful doing something for someone then I wasn’t worth anything.  I put people down to feel better about myself, an insecurity move if ever there was one, and my insecurities about myself ate into everyone around me.  When I had more emotional highs, or when I wasn’t feeling the insecurities, I could be smug, glib, and condescending.  It didn’t matter that I didn’t mean to; I did it.  That’s really one of the big lessons I took away from all this.  It does not matter what you intend; it is important, but what happens from the impact of your choices, that is what really matters.  If I can say this about spellwork and spirituality then it is applicable to the practical and emotional realms as well.

A lot of my emotional work the last few months out of the group has largely been around my feelings of self-worth, which, from what I have seen, is at the root of a lot of the problems that erupted.  Constantly talking about it with close friends and family has helped a lot.  I get a new perspective each time that I share it, a new way of seeing it, and different ways of expressing my fears, anxieties, and other emotions I’ve largely buried or ignored.  By relying more on the Pagan community, I’ve come to appreciate not just the larger Pagan community, but my place in it being one of value, even if I was totally silent, because I am in it.  Something that Bona Dea’s workshop at Paganfest, Weaving Community, really drove home for me was that once you intertwine the threads of yourself and your community you’re together in the tapestry.  It reflected a deep truth I’d forgotten in and of myself, both in terms of my impact on people, and my value in it.  It also drove home the reason the group asked me to leave: when you weave in the workshop, you need to be mindful of others’ threads, of where they are, and be sure that your own respects theirs and the overall tapestry.  I didn’t respect the group’s tapestry; I talked a good game about Wyrd, but more often than not I wanted people to go this way or that way because I looked at people, saw a lot of raw potential, but didn’t respect where they wanted or in some cases, needed to take that potential.  In short, I didn’t listen to them, their Wyrd, or how I came off or sounded.  I was trying to have people fill up something in me I wasn’t filling up myself, something that other people couldn’t give me in the first place: self-esteem.  Self-respect.  Love.  People can’t fill you with those things.  They might trigger those things in you to show up, but they have to be there first.  I didn’t know how to take praise; it never seemed good enough because I didn’t respect or love myself enough to think I would be worthy of those things.  I didn’t know when enough was enough because I kept setting standards higher for myself, and then for others, thinking “this is what I have to do to earn respect in the community”, but I didn’t have enough respect for myself or others to see the limitations I or they had.

In my goofy way of thinking, I thought that by being silent and leaving people be this long, that I was doing right by them.  By not ‘bugging’ people, rather than speaking to them about what happened, and what has been happening, but just having them read this blog, I was encouraging healing because they didn’t have to ‘deal’ with me.  The other, then, is at least touching base with people from the group.  I told these people they were my family…and in my experience, you don’t just stop talking to family over disagreements or blow ups.  Things may or may not be able to be fixed, but at the end of the day it is my choice to leave things frayed or at least try to put the loom back together.

Since I began to hit these points of understanding, it has been a quick shove back into intensive spiritual work.  A few hours after my grief period I had my first trance possession for the first time in a few months.  I may have screwed up, and refused to do spirit possession for a long time, but at the end of the day I am still a priest and a shaman.  I had a job to do.  I’d talked with various people for a few weeks before this about fixing what I did about spirit possession work, and started to put that into practice.  Namely, telling the person to double-check statements, advice, and other things the spirit said in me with a trusted diviner, and approaching the practice as a sacred act, not like a regular occurrence, but something to be treasured and treated as holy rather than casually.  To me, this, coupled with a healthy respect for boundaries and using the empathy model after the God left me helped me avoid a lot of the problems I made or ran into with my old group.

A lot of my personal work right now is really geared toward learning to be comfortable in down time, to be happy in it.  To not have to push myself to ‘do something’ to feel productive, and through that, useful and worth a damn.  The ‘intensive’ work Odin promised me has been a lot of down time and relaxation.  I haven’t taken a summer off of school in a long time, and it has been a rather nice vacation so far.  Being comfy in my own skin is a test, at times, and to have so much down time, to ‘not be productive’ for so long, has been a challenge.  I’m finally able to actually relax, though, and for me, that’s a pretty big step.  Couple that with finally having self-esteem and confidence that comes from myself, and I’ve come a long way from where I’ve been.  To not have to need other people to prop up my ego is pretty big.  I may not be perfect at it, but I’ve made a lot of strides, and that alone is worth the work.

Call for Submissions: Ancestor Devotional Anthology

Hello everyone.  Given the interest and fantastic submissions that have started to come in, I am extending the deadline to October 31st, 11:59pm.  I hope that as word spreads there will be even more submissions.  Please, if you or anyone else you know does Ancestor devotions and/or work, or even has just started beginning working with their Ancestors, encourage them to submit their writing, or art to this project.  The details are listed below.  If you have any questions you can post them here or send them to Sarenth@gmail.com.

The Call for Submissions

Asphodel Press

Working Title:  Calls to Our Ancestors

Editor: Sarenth

Description:  An anthology of prayers, poems, devotional pieces, essays, personal experience, and/or artwork in honor of our Ancestors.  This anthology draws from a variety of sources and authors, and may include Ancestors worship in the form of spirits and/or Gods as well, for those whose beliefs encompass this.

What is not desired: fanfic, ego-stroking, self-aggrandizement.  It’s one thing if you believe you’re sired by a God/dess, it’s another to treat other humans as lower than yourself.

Word Length: 800-1500 words minimum for essays.  No specialized fonts, please.  All formats for written pieces should be in a .doc, .docx, or .rtf file format.  Any devotional pieces, artwork, etc. in visual format needs to be submitted in no less than 300 dpi format, preferably .tiff or .png for lossless quality.

Contributors will not be paid for this contribution. This is a one-time publishing opportunity, so you retain all rights to your piece and can use it as you wish after publication.

Any contributors need to give their legal names and addresses in the email for a release form for their work.  However, we can publish you under a pseudonym or community name if you would like.

The deadline for submissions is October 31st, 2011 at 11:59pm.

Emails for interested parties can be sent to Sarenth@gmail.com.

Fast: Day Three

Today was a lot of kicking back and relaxing, much to my surprise.  It wasn’t until later in the day that Odin and I began to work on things.  Usually my Wednesdays are days I set aside for silence, meditation and communication with Him.  He told me to take a break today, no questions asked.  So I wrote on forums, played World of Warcraft, and watched TV until later in the day, when He finally told me what He wanted me to do with Him.  It came rather sudden as I sat in the basement on my computer.  I bolted up.  It felt like lightning had been shot through me.

My folks were getting ready for work, and He began to tell me things He wanted me to take out to the garage rapid-fire.  I headed out into the garage with one of my testing needles, two clean, unblemished and uncrinkled sheets of paper, my copy of Wyrdwalkers, the pen I was using to write the Hávamál-style poem we are writing, the notebook the poem is in, a year-old bottle of wine from Samhain, and my iPod.  He told me there to purify and sanctify the area, to lock it down tight for the work we would be doing.  At first I was confused, since He had neither mentioned nor even hinted at anything.  I did it anyway, similar to how I had done the previous night, taking the extra step of ‘locking down’ the door from the house to the garage.  Once the wards were in place, I went back to the altar.  This time, though, the candles were pink on the left, blue on the right, and purple in the middle.  He told me I would get later why He had me give the pink as Ve.

As the smoke rose from the charcoal, I put down Mugwort onto it, and cleansed myself with the smoke.  Something felt…off.  It felt odd, like the world was slightly tilted.  As I continued to cleanse myself, I breathed deep, and put a dab of the wine onto my Ancestors’ statue, then Odin’s.  The tilted feeling was still there, but it felt good. Then, at Odin’s request, I brought some of the wine into my mouth, swished it, and spat it out outside onto the ground, as He said, to share the wine with my Him and my Ancestors without actually drinking it, and offering a bit of myself to the landvaettir.  My mouth tingled a bit from it when I came back in, and looked to the altar.  He told me it was time, and to grab a chair.  So I brought one with me up to the altar, and sat before it.

Odin gave me a quick explanation, and demanded I start right away after telling me to put on The Lord of the Ring’s The Council of Elrond.  The song hit me immediately…I started to trance, and heard Him ask “What is the first thing you would get rid of?” and I wrote the Rune for it.  I kept writing Runes, losing track of time, until I had everything I could think of.  All the personal flaws I wanted to fix or let go of, all the problems I wanted to move through or remove as obstacles.  I checked the bindrune against my bag of Runes, and when They were satisfied, He told me why I needed the needle.  The Runework would not be complete without a bloodbond to it.  I sterilized and blessed the needle by the three candles’ flames, and poked my right index finger as He asked.  Then, He asked more of me: to give blood from each of my fingers to this, to seal up this bindrune with blood from all of them.  I did this, and when I finished I turned the paper over, and wrote my first name, Sarenth, in blood Runes.  I wanted these problems gone.  I wanted to move through these things, Hel or high water.  In thanks to Her taking on the dead parts of me, I smeared blood from my left index finger across Her skull’s teeth and mouth.

Then, Odin had me change the music to loop Hagalaz’ Runedance’s The Soul of a Hound, and still somewhat tranced, He told me to put the paper, folded up in a specific way on the charcoal disk.  Then, He had me pick up Wyrdwalkers for some bibliomancy.  A section on controlling and using my breath popped up on the first reading, and the second, a section on hamingja, and regaining it.  I took this as a sign: I had to help the paper burn.  As I breathed in long, slow breaths, I could feel the Runes pulling things from my spirit bodies, could feel the blood pulling out the inequities I felt towards myself, and as my blood Rune letters burnt, I felt a release, something of joy and relief mixed with a feeling of at last!  The paper crinkled into white and black powder on the disk, and I breathed a long, deep sigh.

Odin’s voice pierced my reflective relief, and I grabbed the other clean sheet of paper.  For this, He had me turn on Hagalaz’ Runedance’s Labyrinth.  On this piece of paper, He told me to write all of the Runes that I wanted to bring into my life.  After a long while, double-checking with Rune pulls from my bag, I had it done.  I will post a picture of the bindrune that resulted from Him and I working together some time soon.  This, He told me it would not be necessary to bleed for it because these were what I would be working on for the next year and may need to change as time went on.  The idea was not to get locked into these changes quite yet, from what I remember Him saying.

Once this was done, He instructed me to dump the ashes out of the censer into a palm-sized brass bowl I had on the altar, and to take the ashes outside and offer them to the land.  It was just starting to rain; I could hear it coming down from the roof.  The charcoal disk smoke and hissed when the rainwater hit it, sending little sparks that extinguished as soon as they left the brass bowl.  As I neared a tree, He told me to dump the contents right on the ground.  I balked; why couldn’t I just put them under the tree and offer them like normal?  Then a bolt of lightning arced across the sky.  I heard, very clearly, “Offer them and go!”, in an angry voice.  I dumped the ashes onto the ground, stomping out any little bits of stray hot charcoal disk, and hoofed it inside.  The storm was really getting going as I got inside, and winds hit the house loudly.  My heart was pumping hard, but I was grateful that I had listened when I did.  He chuckled and said “There’re reasons I say what I do to you.”  I apologized, and blew out what remained of the candles.  I prayed, thanking Hela and Odin for working with me.  I heard what, energetically, felt like a quiet nod of acceptance from Her.  She tends to have a more subtle ‘feel’ to me than other Gods, and I have to strain at times to ‘hear’ Her.  Odin accepted my apology, but didn’t stop chuckling even as I came downstairs to write this.

I think what hit me about as much as the Rune magic did, is how simple it was.  Compared to previous experiences I’ve had with working like this, this rite was relatively uncomplicated, and yet it hit me hard.  I feel like I was lead through some Runic restructuring of my soul.  I’m still settling into how this feels, like a newness tinged with relief.  It’s kind of like when you move into a new place, and all the furniture is finally arranged and you’re unpacked…that…”Ahh” kind of feel.  I think that’s what is closest to it.  I’m glad it happened.  It sucked while I was making the bindrunes for all the things I wanted to let go of, having to dredge up painful memories and little niggling problems and doubts.  I feel lighter, better for it.  The challenge ahead will be to bring the new Runes I’ve written into my life, and to move forward.  He refuses to tell me anything about any more upcoming rites or magic.  Perhaps that’s for the best; approaching these things raw has let me detach myself from them a lot easier, and has given me a lot less in the way of defenses when I’m hit with old traumas or problems.  I guess in a way, this sacrifice and moving forward is what I’ve needed for a long time.  I’m glad Odin is helping to lead me on this journey.

Fast: Day Two

I confirmed the fasting with my whole medical team was safe.  My doctor called me today to tell me not to take the metformin (aka Glucophage) until the day before I come off the fast.  I’ll still be checking my blood every day and taking my vitamins and lisinopril, but my blood sugars have been stable around the 79-85 range so far.  If my blood sugar drops much lower I may need to drink something sugary or a small bit of protein to boost me up.  If it continues for greater than a day I may have to break the fast.  I don’t believe I will need to, but there is the chance.

This is something that I talked with Odin over, and He said “The fasting is not here to kill you, but get you into a purified mindset, to get you out of the ordinary.  Won’t do us a bit of good if you keel over or go into a coma on me.”  Which shouldn’t have come as a shock.  It does mean that until something like that happens I won’t slip up, and will be sure if I have to break the fast that I actually have to break the fast.  It’s actually a comfort to have my medical team behind me, making sure I can do this fast safely.

A lot of the work I did with Odin was going over relationships, this time, how I give myself over to women.  He noted that I almost disappeared in some of these relationships, how I subsumed myself under other people.  He said it was part of the reason why I was not His God-slave; He wanted to challenge me to be my own person, drive me to be myself for myself, and not for anyone else.  I think that was a lesson I missed from the myth of Him Hanging on Yggdrasil: He did it as an offering “from Myself to Myself” first and foremost.  Only after that did He give the wisdom of the Runes to others.  It was not until He was able to do that, that He was able to even give the wisdom of the Runes to other people, let alone use Them Himself.

I used to think that this whole “doing this for myself” thing was selfish.  But in a lot of ways it protects other people, and keeps any fallout to you.  It also makes sure that you understand what you’re doing before you pass on the knowledge, and that you have a firm grasp of what you’ve experienced.  Doing it for yourself also makes sure you actually take care of yourself, kind of like how the emergency videos always tell you to take care of yourself before someone else.  Doesn’t do anyone any good for two people to be down when one could be up.  I admittedly have had a lot of baggage from this ‘doing for myself’ idea, first from my parents and my Catholic upbringing, and the general attitude I’ve held towards people for years, a lot of it learned from being bullied.  The main baggage I learned from Catholicism and my folks is that this ‘doing for myself’ is selfish, and takes from others when I could give to them, and the stuff I learned from bullying is that I really don’t deserve all the good things in the first place.  In the situation I’m in, out of my personal community and without a significant other, I’m having to do for myself first.  It’s been pretty…good, actually.  I’m happier, I’m more ready to face the day, and willing to do more to make things happen.  I don’t feel anxious or run down, and my self-perception has improved since Nicole and I broke up.  I’m wanting to do things for myself; sure, my son does factor in, but I want to do Psychology and Counseling for myself as much as those I could help…the former now, even more so.  I want the fulfillment that comes from doing that work rather than doing it for other people.  Sure, the people matter, and are a large part of that fulfillment, but if I look to them to fulfill me, I will come out disappointed.  I know from pastoral counseling that doing that sets you up for disappointment and heartbreak, and that being there as a vessel for change rather than an agent is what is often needed and distancing enough that if things fall apart you won’t be destroyed.

The work with Loki tonight was brutal.  He started off the night by having me purify everything in the garage with a handy stick of sage, from the doors to the altar to myself several times.  Then I set up the protective wards making a Valknut of smoke in the air, and using a modified version of the Hammer Rite.  He had me strike a match, light the three candles I had representing Odin, Vili, and Ve, (purple, yellow, and blue respectively) and light the charcoal disk for my censer.  When everything felt safe, and the smoke was rolling out of the censer from the lit charcoal, He had me add Mugwort, (the purifying plant in the Northern Tradition), after I thanked the spirit of the plant.  When it started going He had me root around in my boxes of Pagan stuff for something, and I wasn’t sure what it was at first.  Then it caught my eye: a bit of tissue Nicole had written a cute message and a drawing, something I kept on my computer all semester and looked at when I felt lonely.  Looking at it now, I felt my heart come apart.

I heard Him say “That is what I want you to offer Me.  Offer it to Me, let Her go, and I will help you heal.”  I stopped cold.  I hadn’t expected to do any magic to separate myself from her, just doing healing work and talking with the Gods to help me separate.  I hesitated and He said louder “You say you want to work with Me.  This is what I’m demanding of you.  Give it to Me, or go back inside and curl up in bed and cry!” then He demanded of me ” You want to get through this?  Then let her go.  What the hell are you hanging on for?”  He let the question hang while my mind raced a million different places.  Old, fond memories, making love, the funny times where I or she would trip and make fun of each other.  Hell, “chicken”.  So many things my mind flashed to…the future we’d once wanted to build together- then He interrupted my thoughts “They aren’t going to happen now.”  That acid ate away at the fantasies that played in my head.  It isn’t going to happen.  The words echoed in my head for a while, and I said to Him, “Alright.  Alright.”  I had had enough, and I was on the verge of crying.  I wanted to let go, not just say the words, not just mime the feelings.  I really wanted to let go.

So He had me take the tissue and toss it right on the charcoal disk.  At first, it wouldn’t light.  I picked up a candle and was going to light the tissue on fire, when I heard Him give me a resounding “No.”  I looked at the candle and then at the censer with the disk in it.  “Well…what then?” I asked Him in my mind.  He told me to light the disk with the candle, and I was to watch the tissue burn down to ash.  I was angry at first.  It seemed cruel to me, to make me sit that long looking at something that had once given me a lot of comfort, silly as it might have been.  I did what He told me to anyway.

The tissue took several minutes before it even browned a little.  As I waited, He said to me “You have to want it to burn.  You have to want to let it go.  Help it burn; don’t use the candle.”  So I looked at the tissue, and flopped it around a little, trying to get it to light, but the disk wasn’t having it.  It had a little red glow on its outside edge, but all it was doing was browning the tissue very, very slowly.  Then I sighed, and the glow picked up.  I breathed again, this time right on the disk, and the glow grew, and the edge of the tissue that was lying on it started to glow.  I kept breathing, blowing long, concentrated streams of air, not consciously starting to say the mantra that grew in my mind: “I want to let go.  I want to grieve.”

The glow picked up around the edges, and it grew more intense as it ate up the tissue, and the smoke stung my eyes.  I felt in that moment, as tears came streaming from the smoke, like I could cry.  Like it wasn’t shameful or stupid, like it wasn’t me being melodramatic or anything other than simply grieving a loss.  That mantra kept going “I want to let go.  I want to grieve.” even as I cried, holding the censer between my hands, blowing long streams of what I realized wasn’t just my breath, but my spiritual energy, my önd.  The creeping orange slowly ate more, gaining speed as I cried harder, the air flowing harder.  At some point I started kneeling, and knelt, trembling with the censer rocking in my hands as tears rolled freely down my face.  I probably looked like a damn mess…but I didn’t care.  I was grieving, I was in that moment ignoring everything else but that.  I was letting myself feel, truly feel, all the release I could.  At some point I picked up a pair of crow feathers and fanned them over the smoking tissue, asking Hunin and Munin to help me think well, but to commit this work to Thought and Memory.  When I finally put the censer down and let go, the ashes smoldered and then, turned black each in turn.  I heard Loki’s voice tell me to put Stinging Nettle on the censer to protect myself from going back to those old feelings, thoughts, and had me throw more Mugwort on for purification.  As the smoke rolled up in front of me, I threw it over my body, praying to Loki in thanks, and thinking in prayer “Thank you Nicole, for all we’ve shared.  Thank you for loving me.”  Then Loki told me, in no uncertain terms, to say it.  I did…and I felt a peace roll over me.  A deep-seated peace.

I took up the chalice of water I had on the altar, and drizzled some onto my head, dabbed it on my forehead, and every other chakra point.  Purified and still feeling that deep-seated peace, I dabbed water onto the heads of my Ancestors’ representation, a circle of four figures interlocking arms, and dabbed water onto the mouths of my Lupa and Lycrous representations.  Finally, I dabbed water onto the mouths of the statue of Odin, first to Geri and Freki, then Hunin and Munin, and finally, to His own mouth and His horn.  I felt good, like I had finally let go of a huge block in my heart.  I thanked Loki, and He said to me to give offerings to Himself and Odin, and to Hel, to honor my grieving for dead things.  I asked Him what, and He told me in turn what I could give of myself.  It had been nearly a year since any of my statues had received my blood, and the skull I used as a representation of Hel on my altar had never received blood from me.  So I took a needle I use for testing my blood sugar,  and sterilized it in the fire of all three candles.  Odin asked me to prick my right forefinger, and shared it first with my Ancestors, dabbing each of Their heads with a drop of blood in recognition of my bloodlines, and then with each part of His statue as I had before, except His mouth as He asked me.  To Hel’s skull representation, I first asked Her if this would blood-bond me to Her, and She assured me not, and that She would view it as an offering of thanks.  She asked me, rather than having blood from the right forefinger, to take it from the left pinky, which I seldom use.  The pain was vivid when I pricked myself, which She said was part of the offering, and I smeared the blood across the foam skull’s teeth.  The teeth went from white to red, and the gold teeth in the skeleton were tinged darker.

I gave a low bow to the altar, let the burning herbs finish up, and thanked the Gods who had been there for the rite.  I blew out the candles, thanked my Ancestors, and the spirits who had been there, and put away whatever I wasn’t leaving on the altar overnight.  Even as I write this, I still feel that sense of peace.  My heart isn’t aching right now, and I feel like I’ve gotten somewhere with being able to finally grieve.  Thank the Gods for Gods that push me beyond my self-perceived boundaries.  Thank the Gods for Odin and Loki both, and all the Gods who know me.  Thank the Gods for Gods who will push, pull, and fight with you to get you where you need to go, but will also equally let go when you are being a stubborn ass.  Thank the Gods for healing and love, even at the price of pain.  Thank the Gods.