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Endings

They’re bitter; they hurt.  Especially when you’re the shitheel that made it happen.  When there’s nothing you can do at the end of it all, except think over and over in your head “I fucked up.  I fucked up so bad.”  Then there’s “I miss…” and “Gods, why didn’t I…”.  Endings are deaths in and of themselves.  Sometimes you go through all the steps of it at once; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and then run back through them.

Denial is easy.  Any idiot can deny there’s a problem.  I denied I had a problem hosting Gods and spirits as often as I did.  I was ‘super-Shaman’, and I ‘could handle it’.  I overstepped my own boundaries so many times there ceased to be one.  No one can hold you to a boundary you can’t hold yourself.

Anger is also easy.  It’s also easy to use that anger on others.  Blaming, getting pissed, feeling wronged…they’re relatively easy emotions.  They’re also impossibly easy to wipe aside, especially with coolly-applied logic.

Bargaining is counterproductive; you screw up, you screw up, fix the situation or let it lie.  Bargaining might be nice if you’re approaching people on the same footing, but it’s a relatively useless endeavor if the other party is in the right.

Depression…now depression is the stage that gets me.  It’s easy to stay there.  It’s easy to just lie there in the miasma of hurt.  It’s easy to just lay there and go back over the situation, the what-ifs, and drown in the feeling that it doesn’t matter what you could have done; you fucked up and this is reality.

Acceptance is the goal; not to be happy with the results, not to go “Oh joy!” but to just…accept, to understand, to move through.  It doesn’t have to be nice.  It doesn’t have to feel good.  Hell, in my experience most healing has a hell of a lot of pain that goes with it.

Am I fully accepting of what’s happened?  No.  I’m still working through the other stages.  Or rather, I have accepted it’s happened, but I haven’t come to terms with it.  That takes time.  Perhaps that is what acceptance is.  In any case, this blog is probably going to be quiet this week.  I have final exams this week, and other things that are complicating it.

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